Sarah Palin announces move to Australia. Says walking upside down will help her hair.

''If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?''

Ok, not really.

But I damn sure got your attention!

In a story that is similarly batshit crazy the wild world of Scottish soccer (I know, I know. To some of you that is the single most offensive word in the English language) some idiots have adopted the Israeli-Palestinian fight as  some sort of reflection of their own.

Celtic FC fans inexplicably wave Palestinian Authority flags, in an attempt to draw parallels between the Middle East and the troubles people are still having in Ireland.

Glasgow Rangers fans foolishly reply by waving Stars of David in response.

I have always thought this to be the most distasteful, stupidest, most historically illiterate misappropriation of a conflict imaginable.

But then this week my buddy Sarah Palin went to Israel.

What a nimrod. What a shallow, vapid, small-minded, mind-numbing idiot. She turned up wearing a Star of David necklace, and went on to tell some Israel politician that she has the iconography of the Israeli flag ‘on my desk, in my home, all over the place’.

You know, that desk way back in Alaska.

The same Alaska that is massive, yet sparsely populated and overwhelmingly white?

"Don't apologise. Reload!"

What does she see in Israel that makes her think she could possibly have anything of value to say to them?

Does she look at the fence and the rockets and the refugee camps, and shudder and think ‘This is how home would be, if the Eskimos suddenly got really uppity’?

Of course, ignorance has never been a bar to Middle East pontification and Palin’s ignorance soars into never before seen levels of self-parody.

‘Why are you apologising all the time?’ she asked her hosts. Even they must have been baffled by that one. I like Israelis a lot. They’re fun & spunky and even if they’re far more bothered by global criticism directed their way than they show they won’t ever let on to that.

That being said, I don’t think I’ve ever heard one apologise for anything. If an Israeli ran over your foot, he’d shout that it was your fault for wearing a road-colored shoe.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if Palin was simply operating under the assumption that Israel was a country chock full of people akin to Jerry Seinfeld, or even worse, Woody Allen.

On her last day in the country, the great hope of the American know-nothing right headed off towards Bethlehem, got within sight of the Israeli Army checkpoint, and then turned around and left.

Did she get cold feet? Did she not realise there was a border? Had she forgotten that passport which she has so proudly owned for a whole two years? Was she suddenly worried there might be drugs in the car?

We’ll never know. We don’t really need to.

I’ve been chewin’ on a theory for some time now, that the greatest obstacle to peace between Palestinians  & Israelis isn’t the terrorists on one side or the settlers on the other side. It’s the third tribe with interests in the region, which is the great international conspiracy of pundits.

Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Hamas, Zionists et al.

Some claim to be on one side, some on the other, but actually they’re all on the same side, which is their own.

Any fool can go to the West Bank. You can wake up, have a cappuccino and a croissant in a nice Tel Aviv café, commute over to the warzone, watch one bunch of frightened kids shoot at some other frightened kids, file your lofty, pious, pained thoughts, and head back to the hotel in time to work on your tan.

So this is Israel? ‘This is how home would be, if the Eskimos suddenly got really uppity’

If real peace were ever to break out, the damage to the pundit economy would be terminal. All those think-tanks, suddenly with nothing to think about. All those research fellows, suddenly with nothing to research.

All those delusional people merrily using this little tormented corner of the Middle East for the own agenda.

Palin is worse than any of them. She didn’t bother learning anything, or even try to.

This was a trip conducted in the same ignorance with which it was conceived. She wasn’t there to learn. She was there to look like she had learned.

Let me be the first to tell you “sorry Sarah, it didn’t work”.

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