by Pete Nicely
The only better commercial for the Democratic Party than C-SPAN showing Speaker Boehner and the Tea Party House of Representatives in action is a GOP debate.
By watching these GOP debates—or abstinence promotion, as my wife calls them—I’ve found my new support group. On Twitter, genuine paid wits—like Patton Oswaldand Rob Delaney—join the best of the political geekarazzi—like Ana Marie Cox, Benjy Sarlin, Dave WeigelJesse Taylor—and amateurs like me to mock away the tears.
Of course, watching these debates requires an unhealthy suspension of disbelief.
You have to pretend a Republican President didn’t let the largest terrorist attack on US soil happen and then didn’t invade the wrong country, possibly twice.
You have to pretend that the GOP didn’t spend the surplus and didn’t skyrocket social spending by allowing Wall Street to crash the economy, killing 15 million jobs.
You have to pretend that spending cuts create jobs, as does allowing corporations to pollute, and banks to overleverage.
You have to believe that Iran is as much a threat to this country as the former Soviet Union was.
And of course, you must believe we need more unwanted children; gay people do more harm to marriage than Newt Gingrich; and the reason the United States exists is to serve Bibi Netanyahu.
Regardless of their accuracy, these debates have already had an undeniable impact. They deflated the campaign of Rick Perry faster than you can say HPV. And they’ve shown the GOP is literally willing to vote for almost anyone—except Michele Bachmann—over Mitt Romney. And in a country that sort-of elected George W. Bush, twice, it’s our job to keep an eye on the GOP’s candidates, even if they all travel to the debate in one tiny car.
So you can join in the fun, here’s what you should have learned so far:
-Every Republican candidate for President wants to keep or massively increase tax breaks for the rich, take health insurance from at least 30 million poor Americans and ease regulations on too-big-to-fail banks.
-No one is willing to tell Rick Santorum he’s not actually running for President.
-Oops. I forget the third thing.
-Life begins at incorporation.
-Michele Bachmann will be calling Barack Obama a “one-term president” well into his second term.
-When Republicans speak about the “Founders,” they mean Rupert Murdoch and Roger Ailes.
-Somehow we went from losing 800,000 jobs a month to gaining millions of jobs. But the Stimulus had nothing to do with this.
-Record corporate profits are a sign that we have an anti-business president.
-People who spend hours listening to Newt Gingrich speak begin to think that waterboarding isn’t torture.
-Mitt Romney is a robot sent back from the future to destroy the campaign of Mitt Romney.
-Herman Cain is thrilled that he doesn’t have to waste any more time pretending to care about the world.
-Sarah Palin could be elected governor of Texas three times.
-Buddy Roemer, the one GOP candidate without a book to sell and a serious point to make about Campaign Finance, isn’t allowed anywhere near these debates.
-Give a Republican a fish and he’ll think he learned how to fish. Teach him to fish and he’ll call you socialist.
-Ron Paul is all about freedom and liberty and telling states they can take away a woman’s right to control her own body.
-When a woman cheats on her husband several times, they call her a “whore.” But when a man does it, the GOP calls him “frontrunner.”
-The only good thing about Michele Bachmann’s campaign is that it has raised awareness of the dangers of homeschooling.
-Newt Gingrich is promising to treat America like a much younger, much hotter wife—without cancer.
–ObamaCare is a massive conspiracy to save lives and hold insurers accountable while raising taxes on the richest. (Okay, I didn’t learn that during the debates but you should know this.)
-Though Jesus said, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven,” His real goal was to eliminate the estate tax.
The first step is to admit we have a problem. That problem is the Republican Party. And the least you can do is to mock them publicly.